Candy explains why she has been in such a bad mood lately

I hate the pressure the holidays (suppodedly a particularly spiritual time of year) puts on all of us during a time when our bodies are under a lot of stress; trying to adjust to the lack of light and the increase in potential infections. It makes for the worst kind of stress on the whole being.


Besides the pressure to consume goods for a god I don't abide by, Christmas touches on too many nerves for me:
 
- As a child, the only family I had was my mom, dad and sister. Dad ALWAYS got drunk. Mom and Dad ALWAYS fought. Brutally.
 
- As a teen, my sister was out of touch with the family, and her abscence always cast a HUGE shadow for me.
I spent as many holidays as I could with my friends and their families, but that always left me feeling like an outsider, no matter how welcomed I was.
 
- I had some of the best holidays of my life with Dave, James, and Kyle (throughout my 20's). That was my family. I feel so lucky to have some great memories of the holidays with those guys.
 
Now I don't have that family. And it really sucks to not have what feels like a good family around the holidays. A family of your own.
 
Last Christmas morning was spent with my son, Mr. Martini and his children. We had such a nice X-mas morning, with happy kiddos and lots of love between us even if things weren't perfect .
 
This Christmas the only plans I have are to be with my parents, sister (and her beau), and my son Christmas Eve night. I think that is about all the Christmas I can handle, though, so that is fine.
 
I'm still coming out of depression. Things are really stressful for a lot of reasons right now. I've been telling myself to just maintain a healthy mindset and take care of myself through the holidays and worry about everything else after.
 
I've been sick the last couple of days, which makes it more of a challenge to be positive thinking and pro-active. But I'm trying.
 
The positive:
 
I will be spending time with my son and my sister, which does make me very happy.
 
Next post: Candy does not hate everything, not even Christmas.
 
 
 
 
 

our song

I miss Mr. Martini so much sometimes that I can hardly stand it.

Progress

With a trash bag and a cardboard box, I was able to eliminate most of the clutter from my work table. I was hoping to have more done around the apartment by this weekend, but that was not be. I figure something is better than nothing.

the dirty south

I'd like to say that I haven't been posting here because I've been so super busy doing something rad and productive with my life, but that just isn't the case.

I've been depressed.

Reeaally depressed. Like, if I wasn't eating peanut butter straight out of the jar just to survive while I alternately slept and chain smoked in bed, than I was drinking at 10a.m. at a local dive bar.

It started with the autumnal time change, like it does every year.

It just f*cks me up in every way.

And the holidays! I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!!

Let's see, I kicked it off with Halloween. I got so smackered I was asked to leave the bar my boyfriend's band was playing because I couldn't keep my head off the bar.

Then there was Thanksgiving. I spent half the day drunk on whiskey and the other half of the day apologizing for being 2 1/2 hours late for dinner.

I lost my job.

I went to jail for a couple of days.

My boyfriend and I have split.

Okay, so surely everybody gets the idea. I've been messing up my life pretty good. But it is not beyond repair by any means. And sitting in jail for 48 hours had a very sobering effect. VERY.

I'm totally determined to pull it together and move forward. The depression is lifting. I'm seeing things more clearly now.

Sooo.... while I am coming clean, I thought I would use my confessional nature as strategy: Public Humiliation as a motivational tool.

My living space is a disaster. Totally embarrassing. And here's what I am going to do about it:



A different view of the same area in my apartment:



Oh, the shame. I can't believe I am living with this caliber of clutter!

What you are looking at is my table where I do most of my writing and art journaling. Somehow the dining room chairs and the coffee table got pushed over in front of the table, making it pretty inaccessible.

Actually, this is all Tim's idea. He said maybe if I posted pictures of my place, I would feel the fire under my ass to clean up my apartment so I can get back to work (and be able to invite people in again.)

For now, I am going to bed. Maybe there will be an 'after' picture tomorrow? We'll see.

Love, Candy

So let's just pretend that I haven't neglected this blog. How about I just tell you about today instead of trying to fill the gap? Trust me, you'd get bored and my fingers would be raw by the end of it.

Today. Today was a perfect fall day. The air was heavenly, the leaves are starting to turn and fall, all of the recent rains have made the plethora of roses in my new neighborhood bloom for what is probably one last time this year. The white one pictured is a beautiful monster that came into full bloom just today right outside my door.




Fall makes me want to cook. Right now I am waiting on brownies to cool so that they can be topped with chocolate icing and fresh rasberries. While the brownies baked I put together a big taboli salad to munch on throughout the week. But my proudest cooking accomplishment of the day was jerk chicken on a bed of roasted sweet potatoes and green onions. Mr. Martini gobbled it up and asked to take the leftovers, too.




I spent the afternoon making this paper dolly as a gift for a friend. Well, it is not exactly a paper dolly. The face is molded clay and the head is a metal container I picked up somewhere. Her name is Rose, of course. I can't figure out a good way to photograph these dolls, but I'll work on it.



Took a walk down to Sweetbay to check my e-mail and chat and then strolled through Creekmore park on my way back. If today was perfect, this evening was magic. October is by far my favorite month of the year.

Love, love, love! -Candy

Monthly Art Journal Workshop
@ the Gallery at Brunwick

Bring your journal or sketchbook and a kit of your favorite supplies as you join others in the making and sharing of meaningful art journal pages. Follow prompts and learn new techniques to add interest and impact to your work\. Basic materials provided (glue sticks, paper, scissors).

Workshop will be the second Saturday of every month from 2-4pm. NEXT CLASS: Saturday, September 12.

This month's theme is TIME. We will be doing a lot of fill-in-the-blank writing prompts, clock collage sheets will be provided, and a technique for creating a distressed paint look on paper will be demonstrated. (If you have any craft supplies or ephemera related to clocks and calendars, bring them!)

Class fee is $10. For questions, call Candy at 479-561-2224 or Collin at 479-651-5866 or e-mail eyecandystudio@rocketmail.com

The Gallery at Brunwick 120 N. 9th (Below Brunwick Wedding Chapel) Fort Smith, AR

Just ordered new business cards with 2010 calendars. This year is flying by.

I've been busy, but not much is going on. Work and men keep taking up my time. (Equal parts Mr. Martini and the Englishman.)

The Englishman has a birthday this weekend, so I am going to cook him an American, meat-and-potatoes meal--at his request. Kind of fun.

Mr. Martini is staying at my place while he works on his vehicle. It has been alternately comfortable and crazy making. It is really hard to share space with someone when you have so little of it.

I am excited about September. I've been gearing up for the workshops I will be teaching. Of them, I am most excited about the teen class. I think it is going to be a blast working with young people for the first time in quite awhile.

I'm also looking forward to a poetry writing and performing class I signed up for. I'd like to have enough good stuff to start reading more regularly. Maybe this will help.

The weather is so amazing for August in Arkansas. Never have I experienced such a mild summer in all the years I've lived here. Yesterday I went walking downtown just to enjoy it and I think I might do the same today.