This is the progress I've made on that little piece I started. "Le Madre" It looks much better in person... there is a lot of glazing in the background and it catches the light very nicely. Still need to shade and glaze the lower half, add a banner, paint the edges gold, and drill holes for hanging. This picture looks all blue-grey. Yech. Trust me about it looking much better in person.

I'm under the weather. Maybe a summer cold, maybe a result of my self imposed experiment with sleep deprivation. Either way, I feel like shite.

Stayed in last night, sleeping off and on and taking telephone calls. Have to work later today. Friday night I ended up going out with a very tall and witty Englishman. He is great at people-watching. Very snarky. Looking forward to hanging out again. I like when he tells me I am "filthy".

I've been reading a littl bit of mythology, concentrating on Medusa. I didn't know Athena gave her the ugly head as punishment for Medusa being raped by Poseidon in Athena's temple. Jan, Athena is a classic bitch, don't you think?!?! Maybe the original bitch, even.

I'm going to get back to feeling sick now.

waiting

Today has been wonderful. Productive and creative. Now I'm drinking coffee and painting. (And waiting on Mr. Martini to come see me.)

I loathe waiting for paint to dry!

Here is what I started tonight. It is on a found piece of wood that measures about 18" by 9". I'm using acrylic paint, spray paint, acrylic glazing medium, varnish... I think I am going to throw in some charcoal and oil pastels, as well.

Found this pic on my camera. I think my son took it. This is where I "work" on a lot of my stuff. I am apparently only working my jaw in this photo, though.

I know people have been reading this blog. See, I have that little thing on the lower right side that tells me where people are visiting from. I appreciate people taking the time to read about my silly little life. Maybe say hi or something?

What happens to men at the 35-40 point? Do they just decide, "Hey, I'm gonna grow a mustache and be a douche?"

Just wondering....

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I feel like I am entering a period of my life that is familiar. Strange, but familiar.

I like to think of most things that happen in my life as research. "Sorry, I can't tonight. I'm studying."

This somehow removes my responsibility for things that happen, and I realize that is a problem.

However, I don't foresee that I will stop my survey of the human experience anytime soon, barring that I get hit by a truck or some other dubious happening.

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The last few days have been nearly surreal. Yes, yes, I am taking my medication. It just seems that time is being punctuated by intense bursts of extreme perfection and total chaos. I guess this is what Mr. Martini has been trying to tell me when he talks about matter and anti-matter.

All my projects are at a comfortable lull right now, so I am really just trying to enjoy the problem of having too much time on my hands...without abusing it.

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Secret Agent Man suggested that I learn to bide my time, and he is absolutely right that I should. I'm terribly impatient. If I am not working on creating something, I feel like I am wasting my time. Which leads to guilt and self loathing and general anxiety.

I guess the rainy morning has me feeling exra introspective.

I am making it official right now: Summer is over.

The kids have gone back to school, Wit-Knee and I both got jobs, Mr. Martini and I seemed to have come to some conclusions and are seeing each other again, it is raining like it hasn't in months and I have that wonderful rush that comes at the end of a book. I feel like a new cycle is starting up.

I'm not the only one. Kevin and I have been giddy as school girls in his studio all morning.

I'm excited about this fall. I have a slew of classes lined up at the gallery, I'll be getting my own place, the new job will ease my aching pockets, we'll be working on the 12 x 12 x 20 show, I've got one of my best friends back, and I'm sure there will be more.

Be sure to check out the Horse/Horse blog.

Some of the junk on my dresser:

I'm 34. When are boys going to stop being confusing?

Orientation at the new job today. I've already been to the fall product meeting and I actually had fun. Hanging out with a bunch of chicks, trying on perfume and lotions? This is work? Okay.

It is amazing what a regular night of sleep can do. I think I should do it more often, for sure.

I'm totally not motivated in the art department this week, and I think it is in direct correlation to the messiness of my room. I suck at occupying small spaces.

My life is pretty uneventful at the moment, and I'm grateful for that.

this is better than drunk dialing, right?

Fears I have:

- I will never be able to sustain a stable and committed relationship.

Bigger fear:

That I only feel like I should have that kind of relationship because of my age and the sad fact that I am only getting older.

But also... that is what people want. Or need.

Okay, so I am afraid that I'm never going to figure this out and that it doesn't matter anyway, because I'm never going to be what anyone worth having will want.

I'm Candy and I don't know how to be anything else.

I've been in a bad mood since I got up at 6:30 a.m. I mean, HELLA bad mood. Fuckallthisshitihateeverythingiamgoingtoburnthismotherfuckerdown!!!

In an attempt to be positive, I am smoking some weed and will try to compile a list of things that don't suck.

- Big tubs of fresh blueberries for a $1. Especially a handful of them tossed over a bowl of vanilla yogurt.

- Psychotic Girl by the Black keys.

- Yard Sales! (Now I have a bunch more shit that I don't need.)

Dismal, indeed.

Is there a particular scent you are interested in today?

<---- Journal page. Click for larger image. I've been playing around with packing tape transfers the last few days.

The art collective that we've been talking about forming for a year now has finally taken shape. We are called Horse/Horse and we've taken on our first project: 12 x 12 x 20. This will be a group show in December to take place at the Gallery at Brunwick. The show will consist of pieces no larger than 12" x 12" and priced at no more than $20. Anything else goes. I will be posting an official Call for Artists in the next few days with all the details. We started a blog last night: Horse/Horse Collective Blog. We have a whole list of projects to work on and we'll be keeping the blog updated at least once a week.

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I got the job I interviewed for yesterday. Let's just say I will be peddling lotion at the mall. You know the store.

It is a job, dammit.

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Anyway, I've been feeling super anxious the last few days about needing a job and looking forward to getting my own place. It has been such a long time since I've had this kind of craving for stability. All I want is to be able to pay the rent and have some peace and quiet so I can work on art and writing.

I feel like I have lost a year of my life to turmoil and if I can't get it back, well then I will try to make up for it by living very intentionally and for myself. I'm trying to figure out how to be practical and still preserve the romance of life. Is this what 35 is about?

(And then) Mr. Martini showed up the other night with a few bottles of wine, some pasta and a blanket for a late night picnic, catching me off guard. He always has a way of doing that. Yes, yes, he is back in my life just three weeks after I swore to his mother and my own that I was not going to let him just waltz back into my life as he has so many times in the past after making yet another exit. Am I crazy?

Yes. It is documented. But this is the real proof.

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Also, having a 16 year old doesn't help. It has been a rough week. Thankfully they go back to school next week.

Feels like the pieces are falling into place today.