christmas eve

X-mas Eve....

I guess I am the grinch that stole Christmas this year.

Due to inclement weather and the winding road to my parent's house, I made the call to not go down to the folk's house this evening. Needless to say, mom is not happy about this. However, I feel confident that she will not only live through this, she will even get over it. Eventually.

Last night was the seven year anniversary of the death of my son's biological father. He was 28 when he died. It was a single car, drunk driving accident. About a month ago I had a very vivid dream about him. I was visiting him at his home, which was a lovely house overlooking a beautiful river. His skin was glowing, he was smiling. I said, "So this is where you live now?" It was one of those dreams that really sticks with you.

So he has been on my mind.

Seven years ago.

Maybe I can write about something nice when this damn holiday is over.

Have a good one.

mixed media mind mapping

I'm doing a really good job of not getting strung out about X-mas. Instead of stressing I am trying to enjoy the good things about the season. Like having my son and his friends over a lot while they are on vacation... plus comfort foods and hanging out in a leopard print Snuggie.

Instead of thinking about X-mas, I've been really focused on the coming of the new year. I am in dire need of a fresh start. I need a clean slate to work from.

I've been thinking hard about the things I want to achieve this year... not to mention all the little steps I could take to better care for myself and improve my life. One of the things I have been doing is using  some mind mapping software to organize my goald and ideas.

Today I decided to map out a few of my goals in mixed media form. This is what I have so far:

The whole thing measure 18 x 24 inches and folds up like a map. I'll post another pic when I am done.

Guy Friendly DIY Christmas Gifts

Now that I have vented about the holidays, I feel like I can face what is before me. Fact is, I don't want to be a total scrooge to those around me that manage to find some joy in the season. So I do participate to a degree.

I am spending X-mas Eve with the fam, and I want to do something nice for some friends. I do love gifting. I like to mix it up with a combination of mostly diy gifts and a few thoughtful store-bought things. This year it is going to have to be VERY thoughtful because I barely have two pennies to rub together right now. (BTW, I am looking for a job! Hire me!)

Christmas is a week away and I have decided to participate. Heh. This is gonna be crazy.

This morning I scoured the net for cheap and easy diy gifts. I usually find crafting for men a challenge, so my search was focused on guy friendly gifts. Here are some of my faves:

Dali inspired Melted Clock Even tough guys like the art of Salvadore Dali. True fact.

Recycled Cradit Card Guitar Picks Good stocking stuff for that guitar god in your life.

Masking Tape and Bleach T-Shirts Guys feel special when they are wearing a one-of-kind t-shirt.

Recycled Magazine Coasters These would be nice to present with a six pack of a good imported beer.

More Recycled Coasters  As would these.

Decorated Flask I found a plain, stainless steel flask at the grocery store for 4 bucks recently.

Candy explains why she has been in such a bad mood lately

I hate the pressure the holidays (suppodedly a particularly spiritual time of year) puts on all of us during a time when our bodies are under a lot of stress; trying to adjust to the lack of light and the increase in potential infections. It makes for the worst kind of stress on the whole being.


Besides the pressure to consume goods for a god I don't abide by, Christmas touches on too many nerves for me:
 
- As a child, the only family I had was my mom, dad and sister. Dad ALWAYS got drunk. Mom and Dad ALWAYS fought. Brutally.
 
- As a teen, my sister was out of touch with the family, and her abscence always cast a HUGE shadow for me.
I spent as many holidays as I could with my friends and their families, but that always left me feeling like an outsider, no matter how welcomed I was.
 
- I had some of the best holidays of my life with Dave, James, and Kyle (throughout my 20's). That was my family. I feel so lucky to have some great memories of the holidays with those guys.
 
Now I don't have that family. And it really sucks to not have what feels like a good family around the holidays. A family of your own.
 
Last Christmas morning was spent with my son, Mr. Martini and his children. We had such a nice X-mas morning, with happy kiddos and lots of love between us even if things weren't perfect .
 
This Christmas the only plans I have are to be with my parents, sister (and her beau), and my son Christmas Eve night. I think that is about all the Christmas I can handle, though, so that is fine.
 
I'm still coming out of depression. Things are really stressful for a lot of reasons right now. I've been telling myself to just maintain a healthy mindset and take care of myself through the holidays and worry about everything else after.
 
I've been sick the last couple of days, which makes it more of a challenge to be positive thinking and pro-active. But I'm trying.
 
The positive:
 
I will be spending time with my son and my sister, which does make me very happy.
 
Next post: Candy does not hate everything, not even Christmas.
 
 
 
 
 

our song

I miss Mr. Martini so much sometimes that I can hardly stand it.

Progress

With a trash bag and a cardboard box, I was able to eliminate most of the clutter from my work table. I was hoping to have more done around the apartment by this weekend, but that was not be. I figure something is better than nothing.

the dirty south

I'd like to say that I haven't been posting here because I've been so super busy doing something rad and productive with my life, but that just isn't the case.

I've been depressed.

Reeaally depressed. Like, if I wasn't eating peanut butter straight out of the jar just to survive while I alternately slept and chain smoked in bed, than I was drinking at 10a.m. at a local dive bar.

It started with the autumnal time change, like it does every year.

It just f*cks me up in every way.

And the holidays! I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!!

Let's see, I kicked it off with Halloween. I got so smackered I was asked to leave the bar my boyfriend's band was playing because I couldn't keep my head off the bar.

Then there was Thanksgiving. I spent half the day drunk on whiskey and the other half of the day apologizing for being 2 1/2 hours late for dinner.

I lost my job.

I went to jail for a couple of days.

My boyfriend and I have split.

Okay, so surely everybody gets the idea. I've been messing up my life pretty good. But it is not beyond repair by any means. And sitting in jail for 48 hours had a very sobering effect. VERY.

I'm totally determined to pull it together and move forward. The depression is lifting. I'm seeing things more clearly now.

Sooo.... while I am coming clean, I thought I would use my confessional nature as strategy: Public Humiliation as a motivational tool.

My living space is a disaster. Totally embarrassing. And here's what I am going to do about it:



A different view of the same area in my apartment:



Oh, the shame. I can't believe I am living with this caliber of clutter!

What you are looking at is my table where I do most of my writing and art journaling. Somehow the dining room chairs and the coffee table got pushed over in front of the table, making it pretty inaccessible.

Actually, this is all Tim's idea. He said maybe if I posted pictures of my place, I would feel the fire under my ass to clean up my apartment so I can get back to work (and be able to invite people in again.)

For now, I am going to bed. Maybe there will be an 'after' picture tomorrow? We'll see.

Love, Candy