christmas eve

X-mas Eve....

I guess I am the grinch that stole Christmas this year.

Due to inclement weather and the winding road to my parent's house, I made the call to not go down to the folk's house this evening. Needless to say, mom is not happy about this. However, I feel confident that she will not only live through this, she will even get over it. Eventually.

Last night was the seven year anniversary of the death of my son's biological father. He was 28 when he died. It was a single car, drunk driving accident. About a month ago I had a very vivid dream about him. I was visiting him at his home, which was a lovely house overlooking a beautiful river. His skin was glowing, he was smiling. I said, "So this is where you live now?" It was one of those dreams that really sticks with you.

So he has been on my mind.

Seven years ago.

Maybe I can write about something nice when this damn holiday is over.

Have a good one.

mixed media mind mapping

I'm doing a really good job of not getting strung out about X-mas. Instead of stressing I am trying to enjoy the good things about the season. Like having my son and his friends over a lot while they are on vacation... plus comfort foods and hanging out in a leopard print Snuggie.

Instead of thinking about X-mas, I've been really focused on the coming of the new year. I am in dire need of a fresh start. I need a clean slate to work from.

I've been thinking hard about the things I want to achieve this year... not to mention all the little steps I could take to better care for myself and improve my life. One of the things I have been doing is using  some mind mapping software to organize my goald and ideas.

Today I decided to map out a few of my goals in mixed media form. This is what I have so far:

The whole thing measure 18 x 24 inches and folds up like a map. I'll post another pic when I am done.

Guy Friendly DIY Christmas Gifts

Now that I have vented about the holidays, I feel like I can face what is before me. Fact is, I don't want to be a total scrooge to those around me that manage to find some joy in the season. So I do participate to a degree.

I am spending X-mas Eve with the fam, and I want to do something nice for some friends. I do love gifting. I like to mix it up with a combination of mostly diy gifts and a few thoughtful store-bought things. This year it is going to have to be VERY thoughtful because I barely have two pennies to rub together right now. (BTW, I am looking for a job! Hire me!)

Christmas is a week away and I have decided to participate. Heh. This is gonna be crazy.

This morning I scoured the net for cheap and easy diy gifts. I usually find crafting for men a challenge, so my search was focused on guy friendly gifts. Here are some of my faves:

Dali inspired Melted Clock Even tough guys like the art of Salvadore Dali. True fact.

Recycled Cradit Card Guitar Picks Good stocking stuff for that guitar god in your life.

Masking Tape and Bleach T-Shirts Guys feel special when they are wearing a one-of-kind t-shirt.

Recycled Magazine Coasters These would be nice to present with a six pack of a good imported beer.

More Recycled Coasters  As would these.

Decorated Flask I found a plain, stainless steel flask at the grocery store for 4 bucks recently.

Candy explains why she has been in such a bad mood lately

I hate the pressure the holidays (suppodedly a particularly spiritual time of year) puts on all of us during a time when our bodies are under a lot of stress; trying to adjust to the lack of light and the increase in potential infections. It makes for the worst kind of stress on the whole being.


Besides the pressure to consume goods for a god I don't abide by, Christmas touches on too many nerves for me:
 
- As a child, the only family I had was my mom, dad and sister. Dad ALWAYS got drunk. Mom and Dad ALWAYS fought. Brutally.
 
- As a teen, my sister was out of touch with the family, and her abscence always cast a HUGE shadow for me.
I spent as many holidays as I could with my friends and their families, but that always left me feeling like an outsider, no matter how welcomed I was.
 
- I had some of the best holidays of my life with Dave, James, and Kyle (throughout my 20's). That was my family. I feel so lucky to have some great memories of the holidays with those guys.
 
Now I don't have that family. And it really sucks to not have what feels like a good family around the holidays. A family of your own.
 
Last Christmas morning was spent with my son, Mr. Martini and his children. We had such a nice X-mas morning, with happy kiddos and lots of love between us even if things weren't perfect .
 
This Christmas the only plans I have are to be with my parents, sister (and her beau), and my son Christmas Eve night. I think that is about all the Christmas I can handle, though, so that is fine.
 
I'm still coming out of depression. Things are really stressful for a lot of reasons right now. I've been telling myself to just maintain a healthy mindset and take care of myself through the holidays and worry about everything else after.
 
I've been sick the last couple of days, which makes it more of a challenge to be positive thinking and pro-active. But I'm trying.
 
The positive:
 
I will be spending time with my son and my sister, which does make me very happy.
 
Next post: Candy does not hate everything, not even Christmas.
 
 
 
 
 

our song

I miss Mr. Martini so much sometimes that I can hardly stand it.

Progress

With a trash bag and a cardboard box, I was able to eliminate most of the clutter from my work table. I was hoping to have more done around the apartment by this weekend, but that was not be. I figure something is better than nothing.

the dirty south

I'd like to say that I haven't been posting here because I've been so super busy doing something rad and productive with my life, but that just isn't the case.

I've been depressed.

Reeaally depressed. Like, if I wasn't eating peanut butter straight out of the jar just to survive while I alternately slept and chain smoked in bed, than I was drinking at 10a.m. at a local dive bar.

It started with the autumnal time change, like it does every year.

It just f*cks me up in every way.

And the holidays! I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!!

Let's see, I kicked it off with Halloween. I got so smackered I was asked to leave the bar my boyfriend's band was playing because I couldn't keep my head off the bar.

Then there was Thanksgiving. I spent half the day drunk on whiskey and the other half of the day apologizing for being 2 1/2 hours late for dinner.

I lost my job.

I went to jail for a couple of days.

My boyfriend and I have split.

Okay, so surely everybody gets the idea. I've been messing up my life pretty good. But it is not beyond repair by any means. And sitting in jail for 48 hours had a very sobering effect. VERY.

I'm totally determined to pull it together and move forward. The depression is lifting. I'm seeing things more clearly now.

Sooo.... while I am coming clean, I thought I would use my confessional nature as strategy: Public Humiliation as a motivational tool.

My living space is a disaster. Totally embarrassing. And here's what I am going to do about it:



A different view of the same area in my apartment:



Oh, the shame. I can't believe I am living with this caliber of clutter!

What you are looking at is my table where I do most of my writing and art journaling. Somehow the dining room chairs and the coffee table got pushed over in front of the table, making it pretty inaccessible.

Actually, this is all Tim's idea. He said maybe if I posted pictures of my place, I would feel the fire under my ass to clean up my apartment so I can get back to work (and be able to invite people in again.)

For now, I am going to bed. Maybe there will be an 'after' picture tomorrow? We'll see.

Love, Candy

So let's just pretend that I haven't neglected this blog. How about I just tell you about today instead of trying to fill the gap? Trust me, you'd get bored and my fingers would be raw by the end of it.

Today. Today was a perfect fall day. The air was heavenly, the leaves are starting to turn and fall, all of the recent rains have made the plethora of roses in my new neighborhood bloom for what is probably one last time this year. The white one pictured is a beautiful monster that came into full bloom just today right outside my door.




Fall makes me want to cook. Right now I am waiting on brownies to cool so that they can be topped with chocolate icing and fresh rasberries. While the brownies baked I put together a big taboli salad to munch on throughout the week. But my proudest cooking accomplishment of the day was jerk chicken on a bed of roasted sweet potatoes and green onions. Mr. Martini gobbled it up and asked to take the leftovers, too.




I spent the afternoon making this paper dolly as a gift for a friend. Well, it is not exactly a paper dolly. The face is molded clay and the head is a metal container I picked up somewhere. Her name is Rose, of course. I can't figure out a good way to photograph these dolls, but I'll work on it.



Took a walk down to Sweetbay to check my e-mail and chat and then strolled through Creekmore park on my way back. If today was perfect, this evening was magic. October is by far my favorite month of the year.

Love, love, love! -Candy

Monthly Art Journal Workshop
@ the Gallery at Brunwick

Bring your journal or sketchbook and a kit of your favorite supplies as you join others in the making and sharing of meaningful art journal pages. Follow prompts and learn new techniques to add interest and impact to your work\. Basic materials provided (glue sticks, paper, scissors).

Workshop will be the second Saturday of every month from 2-4pm. NEXT CLASS: Saturday, September 12.

This month's theme is TIME. We will be doing a lot of fill-in-the-blank writing prompts, clock collage sheets will be provided, and a technique for creating a distressed paint look on paper will be demonstrated. (If you have any craft supplies or ephemera related to clocks and calendars, bring them!)

Class fee is $10. For questions, call Candy at 479-561-2224 or Collin at 479-651-5866 or e-mail eyecandystudio@rocketmail.com

The Gallery at Brunwick 120 N. 9th (Below Brunwick Wedding Chapel) Fort Smith, AR

Just ordered new business cards with 2010 calendars. This year is flying by.

I've been busy, but not much is going on. Work and men keep taking up my time. (Equal parts Mr. Martini and the Englishman.)

The Englishman has a birthday this weekend, so I am going to cook him an American, meat-and-potatoes meal--at his request. Kind of fun.

Mr. Martini is staying at my place while he works on his vehicle. It has been alternately comfortable and crazy making. It is really hard to share space with someone when you have so little of it.

I am excited about September. I've been gearing up for the workshops I will be teaching. Of them, I am most excited about the teen class. I think it is going to be a blast working with young people for the first time in quite awhile.

I'm also looking forward to a poetry writing and performing class I signed up for. I'd like to have enough good stuff to start reading more regularly. Maybe this will help.

The weather is so amazing for August in Arkansas. Never have I experienced such a mild summer in all the years I've lived here. Yesterday I went walking downtown just to enjoy it and I think I might do the same today.

This is the progress I've made on that little piece I started. "Le Madre" It looks much better in person... there is a lot of glazing in the background and it catches the light very nicely. Still need to shade and glaze the lower half, add a banner, paint the edges gold, and drill holes for hanging. This picture looks all blue-grey. Yech. Trust me about it looking much better in person.

I'm under the weather. Maybe a summer cold, maybe a result of my self imposed experiment with sleep deprivation. Either way, I feel like shite.

Stayed in last night, sleeping off and on and taking telephone calls. Have to work later today. Friday night I ended up going out with a very tall and witty Englishman. He is great at people-watching. Very snarky. Looking forward to hanging out again. I like when he tells me I am "filthy".

I've been reading a littl bit of mythology, concentrating on Medusa. I didn't know Athena gave her the ugly head as punishment for Medusa being raped by Poseidon in Athena's temple. Jan, Athena is a classic bitch, don't you think?!?! Maybe the original bitch, even.

I'm going to get back to feeling sick now.

waiting

Today has been wonderful. Productive and creative. Now I'm drinking coffee and painting. (And waiting on Mr. Martini to come see me.)

I loathe waiting for paint to dry!

Here is what I started tonight. It is on a found piece of wood that measures about 18" by 9". I'm using acrylic paint, spray paint, acrylic glazing medium, varnish... I think I am going to throw in some charcoal and oil pastels, as well.

Found this pic on my camera. I think my son took it. This is where I "work" on a lot of my stuff. I am apparently only working my jaw in this photo, though.

I know people have been reading this blog. See, I have that little thing on the lower right side that tells me where people are visiting from. I appreciate people taking the time to read about my silly little life. Maybe say hi or something?

What happens to men at the 35-40 point? Do they just decide, "Hey, I'm gonna grow a mustache and be a douche?"

Just wondering....

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I feel like I am entering a period of my life that is familiar. Strange, but familiar.

I like to think of most things that happen in my life as research. "Sorry, I can't tonight. I'm studying."

This somehow removes my responsibility for things that happen, and I realize that is a problem.

However, I don't foresee that I will stop my survey of the human experience anytime soon, barring that I get hit by a truck or some other dubious happening.

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The last few days have been nearly surreal. Yes, yes, I am taking my medication. It just seems that time is being punctuated by intense bursts of extreme perfection and total chaos. I guess this is what Mr. Martini has been trying to tell me when he talks about matter and anti-matter.

All my projects are at a comfortable lull right now, so I am really just trying to enjoy the problem of having too much time on my hands...without abusing it.

____________________________________________________________________

Secret Agent Man suggested that I learn to bide my time, and he is absolutely right that I should. I'm terribly impatient. If I am not working on creating something, I feel like I am wasting my time. Which leads to guilt and self loathing and general anxiety.

I guess the rainy morning has me feeling exra introspective.

I am making it official right now: Summer is over.

The kids have gone back to school, Wit-Knee and I both got jobs, Mr. Martini and I seemed to have come to some conclusions and are seeing each other again, it is raining like it hasn't in months and I have that wonderful rush that comes at the end of a book. I feel like a new cycle is starting up.

I'm not the only one. Kevin and I have been giddy as school girls in his studio all morning.

I'm excited about this fall. I have a slew of classes lined up at the gallery, I'll be getting my own place, the new job will ease my aching pockets, we'll be working on the 12 x 12 x 20 show, I've got one of my best friends back, and I'm sure there will be more.

Be sure to check out the Horse/Horse blog.

Some of the junk on my dresser:

I'm 34. When are boys going to stop being confusing?

Orientation at the new job today. I've already been to the fall product meeting and I actually had fun. Hanging out with a bunch of chicks, trying on perfume and lotions? This is work? Okay.

It is amazing what a regular night of sleep can do. I think I should do it more often, for sure.

I'm totally not motivated in the art department this week, and I think it is in direct correlation to the messiness of my room. I suck at occupying small spaces.

My life is pretty uneventful at the moment, and I'm grateful for that.

this is better than drunk dialing, right?

Fears I have:

- I will never be able to sustain a stable and committed relationship.

Bigger fear:

That I only feel like I should have that kind of relationship because of my age and the sad fact that I am only getting older.

But also... that is what people want. Or need.

Okay, so I am afraid that I'm never going to figure this out and that it doesn't matter anyway, because I'm never going to be what anyone worth having will want.

I'm Candy and I don't know how to be anything else.

I've been in a bad mood since I got up at 6:30 a.m. I mean, HELLA bad mood. Fuckallthisshitihateeverythingiamgoingtoburnthismotherfuckerdown!!!

In an attempt to be positive, I am smoking some weed and will try to compile a list of things that don't suck.

- Big tubs of fresh blueberries for a $1. Especially a handful of them tossed over a bowl of vanilla yogurt.

- Psychotic Girl by the Black keys.

- Yard Sales! (Now I have a bunch more shit that I don't need.)

Dismal, indeed.

Is there a particular scent you are interested in today?

<---- Journal page. Click for larger image. I've been playing around with packing tape transfers the last few days.

The art collective that we've been talking about forming for a year now has finally taken shape. We are called Horse/Horse and we've taken on our first project: 12 x 12 x 20. This will be a group show in December to take place at the Gallery at Brunwick. The show will consist of pieces no larger than 12" x 12" and priced at no more than $20. Anything else goes. I will be posting an official Call for Artists in the next few days with all the details. We started a blog last night: Horse/Horse Collective Blog. We have a whole list of projects to work on and we'll be keeping the blog updated at least once a week.

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I got the job I interviewed for yesterday. Let's just say I will be peddling lotion at the mall. You know the store.

It is a job, dammit.

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Anyway, I've been feeling super anxious the last few days about needing a job and looking forward to getting my own place. It has been such a long time since I've had this kind of craving for stability. All I want is to be able to pay the rent and have some peace and quiet so I can work on art and writing.

I feel like I have lost a year of my life to turmoil and if I can't get it back, well then I will try to make up for it by living very intentionally and for myself. I'm trying to figure out how to be practical and still preserve the romance of life. Is this what 35 is about?

(And then) Mr. Martini showed up the other night with a few bottles of wine, some pasta and a blanket for a late night picnic, catching me off guard. He always has a way of doing that. Yes, yes, he is back in my life just three weeks after I swore to his mother and my own that I was not going to let him just waltz back into my life as he has so many times in the past after making yet another exit. Am I crazy?

Yes. It is documented. But this is the real proof.

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Also, having a 16 year old doesn't help. It has been a rough week. Thankfully they go back to school next week.

Feels like the pieces are falling into place today.

"tattoos aren't just for sailors and whores anymore"

Okay, the other thing I am obsessed with lately are the tattooed sideshow-ladies. "A Life of Her Own Choosing" is a neat article on one such woman.

Somebody special sent me to a good site full of vintage photos of mostly heavily tattooed people. The women intrigue me the most:

Nay Nay was telling me the other day about a paper she was writing for her philosophy class. For the paper, she was to define what is beautiful and what is ugly within her culture. We were in the middle of the shampoo aisle at the time that we were having this conversation, and I wonder if the other shoppers even knew or cared that we were having a life crisis situation when my sister looked at me wide eyed and asked in true horror, "Shit, what is my culture?" I didn't know what to say. This was a heavy moment. What is our culture, really?

This feeling of displacement reminds me again and again of the tattooed ladies. They defied cultural beauty standards, setting themselves apart, permanently. They traveled. They lived on the fringes. They weren't afraid of pain. They wrote their own stories through body art and a way of life.

Now everybody and their mother has a tattoo--including mine!

gypsies, telemarketers and phone sluts, oh my!

I am obsessed with all things Gypsy.

This morning I decided that I am going to do my first ever themed, narrative journal. The title is 'The Gypsy and the Mystic' and it is the story of a love affair that I don't know the end of yet. The story will be told through images and very, very few words. I am excited about this.

I have a dream that when I finally settle down and decide to become a homeowner again, I will have a gypsy wagon, or vardo, in the backyard to use as my art/writing studio.

Of course mine would be adorned with lots of eyes!
.

The amazing thing about these modern vardos is that you can buy a kit to build one that you can fold up and haul behind your vehicle. See the trailer hitch?

If you are interested in the history of Gypsies, this is the best site I have found so far. Now I want to go to Poland and see the Gypsy museum (it has an outdoor exhibit of a Gypsy camp!)

My sister and I have discussed, more than a few times, how we relate to many aspects of Gypsy culture in the way that are parents raised us and the traveling that we did. We literally did pull a little trailer behind us and lived out of it often enough.

I like this quote:

"Gypsies are known to steal chickens and to cheat when selling cars, but they have never organized a war, never persecuted others, never manufactured bombs, never perpetuated industrial pollution."

Of course, we didn't steal chickens. My parents were of the 60's: tax evasion and welfare fraud was their thing.

Today has been great. I slept in for a change, got some belongings sorted, went to the library, knocked out some laundry, started the course proposals for September and took lots and lots of notes on various projects, current and future. I love living in such a cool, stable environment. I'm already falling back into the work pattern that I like: The days I spend brainstorming, planning and researching, and the days that I actually get down and dirty and make it happen, in a perfect ebb and flow.

Speaking of planning, I stayed up late planning my immediate future regarding the housing crisis in my life. I have a plan. I am still flushing it out, but I'm feeling really good about it. Whenever I am in my planning mode, I think of something my high school Geography teacher had taped to the front of his desk, which seemed to be the place I like to zone out the most. I am totally kicking myself for not paying attention in that class now that I am older and want to go to places like Poland, or at least be able to find it on a map and daydream about it. Anyway, the sign read: If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." Wait, let me put it to you how the sign really read:

IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN,

YOU PLAN TO FAIL!

God, it still gives me chills!

Oh, Mr. Wilsey, with your big scary grin and coordinating track suits, if you gave me nothing else(certainly not the ability to find Poland on a map), you gave me that. What a gem. *sigh*

Anyway. My plan is largely dependent on me getting a job that I am going to apply for tomorrow. A job for which, on the resume Wit-Knee and I worked on today, included my 2 1/2 years as a "Phone Entertainer" as part of my job history. It actually made sense to reveal my dirty little job secret in this case. I never thought the day would come! All that experience and nothing to show for it until now, when I am hoping on job at a call center. A call center. Ugh. But hey, I have a couple of years of "phone experience", so that should get my foot in the door, right? I wasn't kidding around when I said this artist is tired of starving.

Journal entry from last night.

send me dead flowers and i won't forget to put roses on your grave

Usually when I move into a new place, I buy something as a housewarming gift to myself... something pretty and unpractical. For Grandma's house in Alma I bought a monkey figure holding a mirror. For my apartment, it was a carved mermaid surrounding a mirror. For Matt's house, it was an incense burner. For Kevin and Wit-Knee's apartment. I decided that because my stay here is temporary, these Pink Ladies I picked would be appropriate. Something that won't last long.

And now it appears that my stay here will be more temporary than I thought. Due to financial constraints, they are moving at the end of the month. I feel very bad for the troubles that are having. And I don't yet know where I am going, but I have the month to figure it out.

We moved my stuff over here this weekend, and now it is pointless to unpack everything. So I am dividing everything up until what I need to live and be productive, and what I can put into storage. I'm pretty happy about this, actually, as paring down on my necessary objects is liberating already.

The art show was nice on Friday. Don't know why I didn't take pictures. Saw some friends and read some poetry. I only read three pieces because my book of writing was locked up in somebodies house. I read with Quin. He reads quite well. I would like to improve my performance and read some more in the future. I really miss the open mic nights at Eye Candy. It was a great place/way to work out new pieces.

Most of the weekend was spent with my Secret Agent Man. I agree with him on the thought that being able to move together so well is a good sign in regards to our potential together. Everything is feeling mellow, easy and right.

Don't know what this week holds other than this packing/unpacking business and drawing up some proposals for future classes at the gallery.

Even though my life is still in flux to a degree that I am not at all comfortable with, I still feel good. Really good.

current art journal pics-click for larger pic

current art journal pics-click for larger pic

current art journal pics-click for larger pic

current art journal-click for larger pics